Sex & relationship advice for people rediscovering desire after deconstructing from high control childhoods
A lot of us were never given the chance to notice our own personal erotic wiring — we were told what “good girls” or “manly men” should want, what “normal” desire looks like, and which turn ons are acceptable or shameful.
So when someone says “just listen to your body!” … there’s a good chance you don’t even know how to listen.
6 ways to figure out what actually turns you on
1. Notice what turns you on in books
Which kinds of story moments get your attention? Which tropes, characters, power dynamics, gentleness, slow build, tension, flirtation? This often reveals the situations and dynamics that are true to your specific turn-ons.
2. Notice what turns you on in movies
What grabs you? What do you rewind? What gives that little internal flutter? Pay attention to the themes, the body language, the pacing, the tone. Not necessarily the explicit moment… just as often it’s the lead-up.
3. Notice what you fantasize about when you’re masturbating
Your fantasy brain is not beholden to morality marketing. That’s why so many people are embarrassed or ashamed of their fantasies. But these are real and there’s nothing wrong with them. This is where your body often tells the truth before your conscious mind can keep up.
4. Notice what you dream about
Your dream world can sometimes show desire that has been suppressed, shamed, or unacknowledged. If something shows up repeatedly — take note.
5. Not all turn-ons are sexual
We’re taught to think of turn-ons as what happens in the bedroom, but that misses a whole world of turn-ons that are equally as important (and for some, more important!)
It can be a deep conversation, someone giving you their full attention, dancing, cuddling, laughter, cowboy boots, or having someone cook you dinner.
6. Create a Pleasure Field Notes list
Any time you feel a flicker, a spark, a shiver, interest, curiosity — write it down in your phone or a note. Track patterns. Those little flickers add up to a map.
TL;dr
What actually turns you on won’t be found in someone else’s approved list. Look at your real life data: the things that already light you up — in fantasy, in books, in films, in daydreams, in your body — even the tiny subtle things that don’t look “sexual” on the surface.
Working with a trauma-informed coach who understands high-control childhoods and sexual repression can be incredibly helpful as you rebuild trust with yourself.
FAQs
Is fantasy “cheating”?
No. Fantasy is internal data. You get to have a private interior world.
What if I don’t feel anything yet?
Then your first turn on might be permission to slow down, to notice, and to believe desire exists for you at all.
Do I have to try everything I’m curious about?
Absolutely not. Curiosity ≠ consent. Some turn ons live in our imagination as a fantasy that never needs to be lived out.
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If you want support while you’re exploring this
You don’t have to untangle this alone. I work with individuals and couples who are rebuilding sexual connection after high-control childhoods — slowly, gently, and at their own pace.
PERSONALIZED
For direct support as you learn how to listen to your body, find your turn-ons, and communicate what you want with more confidence — book a coaching session
SELF-PACED LEARNING
For support in doing this work at home, this resource is a great place to start: Turn-On Essentials – A video and in-depth PDF guide
Note: This content reflects my best understanding at the time of writing. If something feels outdated or incomplete, please let me know. We’re all learning in real time.
About Leah
Leah Carey is a sex & relationship coach specializing in helping adults unlearn shame and build healthy sexual expression after high-control childhoods. Her work focuses on real-world communication, embodied consent, and reconnecting to authentic desire.