Sex & relationship advice for people rediscovering desire after deconstructing from high control childhoods
Growing up, we weren’t allowed to get curious. We weren’t allowed to experiment. We weren’t allowed to notice what felt good in our bodies without someone evaluating, judging, or policing it. Now as adults, it can feel terrifying, embarrassing, or confusing to realize we don’t actually know what we want — because our internal compass was never allowed to develop.
This doesn’t mean we’re behind. We’re at the beginning of a new path.
6 reasons this happens — and what it means
1. We were trained to not have preferences
Growing up in homes where our thoughts and actions were frequently dictated for us, there wasn’t an opportunity to think about what we wanted. We were too busy trying to keep everyone else happy and calm. All of that energy focused on other people left little to no energy for you to turn inward and listen to the signals of your own body and brain.
2. We were trained to prioritize others over ourselves
If you felt like you were walking on eggshells all the time as a child, for fear that a wrong step would bring your world crumbling down, you were held hostage to the whims of other people. Things were okay when they were happy, things were bad when they were angry. Their happiness became the center of our world. Our own wants and needs were immaterial.
3. Our bodies learned that wanting is dangerous
In purity culture, any hint of forbidden lust could damn you to hell for eternity. That messaging leaves deep and lasting wounds. No wonder it’s hard for you to think about what you want! In homes where there was inappropriate sexuality (like mine), demonstrating any hint of sexuality could put us in danger’s way.
4. We learned to be chosen, not to choose
For people brought up as little girls, it’s very common to learn that our job is to be pleasing to everyone around us. The prize is that we’ll do such a good job that someday somebody will fall madly in love with us and whisk us away into a new life (that might even cause us to attach ourselves to the first person who shows interest just to get out of our dysfunctional home).
5. We learned that desire needs justification
When our job is pleasing everyone around us, it’s easy to believe that extraordinary circumstances must be required in order for us to pay attention to ourselves. We learned to over explain and over excuse our needs and desires.
6. We learned how to perform, not how to feel
When most of your sexual information came from porn and/or purity culture, you were brought up with a heavy dose of mythology about what sex sounds like, how people behave during sex, and what activities are “normal.” The result is that you try to emulate what you’ve learned so that you will be considered “normal.” But that’s like learning your lines so you can perform a play. But you can’t simultaneously perform a part and also feel what’s going on inside your body. Sex isn’t a performance, it’s an experience.
TL;dr
Not knowing what we want isn’t a personal failure — it’s the natural result of growing up in environments where desire was unsafe, punished, or irrelevant. Our bodies shut down in order to survive.
Working with a trauma-informed coach who understands high control childhoods can be incredibly helpful as you reconnect with your body and rebuild your relationship with desire on your own terms.
FAQs
Is it normal to not know what I want sexually?
Yes. Especially if you grew up as a girl in a high-control or shame-based environment around sex.
How do I start figuring out what I actually want?
Begin by noticing what already sparks curiosity. Even something like a sexy dream can offer clues — follow those threads.
Am I broken?
No. There is nothing wrong with you. Every person has a different timeline for discovering pleasure, and yours is allowed to unfold at its own pace.
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If you want support while you’re exploring this
You don’t have to untangle this alone. I work with individuals and couples who are rebuilding sexual connection after high-control childhoods — slowly, gently, and at their own pace.
PERSONALIZED
For direct support as you learn how to listen to your body, find your turn-ons, and communicate what you want with more confidence — book a coaching session
SELF-PACED LEARNING
For support in doing this work at home, this resource is a great place to start: Turn-On Essentials – A video and in-depth PDF guide
Note: This content reflects my best understanding at the time of writing. If something feels outdated or incomplete, please let me know. We’re all learning in real time.
About Leah
Leah Carey is a sex & relationship coach specializing in helping adults unlearn shame and build healthy sexual expression after high-control childhoods. Her work focuses on real-world communication, embodied consent, and reconnecting to authentic desire.