Secrets are complicated – Sarah

Sarah is a 35-year-old, cis-gender woman who describes herself as white, married, monogamous, and pansexual. She clarified however that while she has experienced attractions to people of all genders, her sexual experiences have been limited to cis-gender males.

Through her teens and early 20s, Sarah dated MUCH older men. She reflects back on those experiences, sorting through the ramifications of her partner choices, including the pressures she felt and how the power differentials in those relationships worked. She is now married to a man her own age and in the second half of the show we talk extensively about the physical difficulties she has with sex and how she and her husband work around them.

Major themes in this episode include the stigma, power dynamics, and secrets involved in dating much older men; physical challenges with sex and difficulty with orgasm; and expanding the definition of what counts as sex.

Here are some of the notable moments she shared with us:

  • 3:00 – Sarah’s first memory of sexual pleasure around age 8
  • 8:30 – Sarah’s first relationship with a moderately older partner
  • 12:00 – Not knowing how to behave when receiving pleasure
  • 13:50 – Sarah’s first relationship with a significantly order partner
  • 17:30 – Sarah considers power dynamics and coercion in relationship with an older man
  • 18:55 – When a partner removes a condom without permission it is sexual assault
  • 27:00 – Sarah’s first orgasm at age 25—through more communication, focus on her pleasure, comfort level
  • 33:00 – Navigating sexual interaction when orgasm isn’t going to happen
  • 36:30 – The physical challenges Sarah contends with including carpal tunnel, autoimmune disorders, and vaginal dryness
  • 39:30 – Experimenting with lubricants and dilators
  • 41:00 – An important PSA about lubrication!

The Lowdown (45:20):

  • Do you have sex during your period?
  • What is your definition of sex?
  • Do you prefer the orgasm from masturbation or sex with another person?
  • Do you enjoy receiving oral sex?
  • Do you every worry about how you taste or smell?

The Patreon extras for this episode are:

  • At the $5/month level, Sarah talks more about her relationships with older men
  • At the $7/month level, that conversation plus the extended Q&A
  • At the $10/month level, all that plus a monthly Ask Me Anything!

Learn more and become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.

If you like this show, please leave a rating and review at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-girls-talk-about-sex/id1436501617?mt=2.

Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest and let me know that you’re interested. I’d love to talk with you!

To learn about Sexual Communication Coaching, visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Editor – Gretchen Kilby

Music by – Nazar Rybak