Sexual Scientist

~ The story of the game ~

As I began my journey to discovering sexual freedom and pleasure, there was one question I lived in fear of hearing:

“What do you like?”

I’ve been fortunate to find a series of sexual partners who have genuinely cared about my pleasure (and I have walked away from potential play partners who demonstrated that they were only interested in their own pleasure … but that’s a story for another day).

This question, then, is an essential part of the conversation – with 100% of your body real estate available, and an infinite number of ways to interact with it, can you give me a head start on which places you like being touched and whether you like being caressed, tapped, scratched, grabbed, spanked, or any of a thousand other things?

The problem is that, with a history of shutting my body and brain down in order to tolerate sexual experiences I didn’t want, what I liked hadn’t even been something I thought about. I had no answer for the question.

Any time someone asked “What do you like?” I felt like a mumbling fool. It was embarrassing. I felt stupid and inadequate. Once again, I was convinced of my brokenness.

A few times I got brave enough to say, “I don’t know what I like. Will you help me figure it out?” And while saying that much was a major step forward, it still felt pathetically weak. Like I would always be relying on other people to teach me about my own body.

It took six months of wandering around in the not-at-all-sexy dark before a new thought emerged: it is time for me to stop asking others to figure it out for me. It’s time to become a scientist of my own pleasure.

I recast myself in a new role: Sexual Scientist!

I reached out to the man I was dating at the time.

“I’ve gotten stuck in a mindset that is continually saying ‘I don’t know’ about what I like and hoping someone else will teach me. Which is anti-helpful – it keeps me so focused on what I think I’m missing that I’m not actually present to what I’m feeling.

I’d like to spend some time with you approaching my body and sexual touch like a science experiment. ‘Let’s try this – do you like it?’ If yes, wonderful! There’s new information to add to the list. If no, no judgment on me or you. I’m not broken and you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just not something I love in this moment, so let’s try something different.

It would require a lot of communication and a slightly different mindset for us both. It would also require a focus on one-way touch rather than interactive play. Is that something you’d be open to?”

It didn’t take him long to respond:

“Thank you for offering this idea as an approach. I am happy to participate, and it actually would be refreshing. Yes, count me in!”

It ended up being a delightful and illuminating experiment. So much so that I’ve since shared it with other sexual partners and given it to clients who have had similarly eye-opening results.

And now I offer it to you!

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